Here at TOTM (Pronounced “Totem” when in reference to merchandizing; and named for our feverous devotion to the parks) we have noted a striking lack of whimsy in everyday household objects.

We would like to present the newest update to our Barnyard Beauties in the Home series: The Piggly Wiggly. Legal council is working through the trademark claims.

Inspired by dining experiences local to the park, it provides these unique and never before seen features:

• Front facing reminder that gluttony is the most rewarding policy
• Preemptive dispenser technology to ensure a paper towel is always laying on the table before you spill your drink
• Spirit Jersey compatible. See: Broad shoulders
• Four foot stabilization technology for deployment anywhere in the home
• An omnipresent reminder of what Disney did to the Muppets and poor Miss Piggy.

Legal did inform us that we cannot, in fact, name this product directly after a Muppet. It may only be a tribute with a legal distinction from Jim Henson and his heirs. And their heirs, and those heir’s heirs, future and in perpetuity. I am not even allowed to mention amphibians, cannon or otherwise. A rather litigious bunch of hippies, those ones.

Pre orders are available now through the link in the description.