Here at TOTM (Pronounced “Totem” when in reference to merchandizing; and named for our feverous devotion to the parks) we have noted a striking lack of whimsy in everyday household objects.

We would like to present the newest update to our Barnyard Beauties in the Home series: The Piggly Wiggly. Legal council is working through the trademark claims.

Inspired by dining experiences local to the park, it provides these unique and never before seen features:

• Front facing reminder that gluttony is the most rewarding policy
• Preemptive dispenser technology to ensure a paper towel is always laying on the table before you spill your drink
• Spirit Jersey compatible. See: Broad shoulders
• Four foot stabilization technology for deployment anywhere in the home
• An omnipresent reminder of what Disney did to the Muppets and poor Miss Piggy.

Legal did inform us that we cannot, in fact, name this product directly after a Muppet. It may only be a tribute with a legal distinction from Jim Henson and his heirs. And their heirs, and those heir’s heirs, future and in perpetuity. I am not even allowed to mention amphibians, cannon or otherwise. A rather litigious bunch of hippies, those ones.

Pre orders are available now through the link in the description.

My son told me he thinks the slide at the pool is trying to eat him.

Well, looking at this, it might be.

We’ll make sure your shirt is on display next week for everyone to see.

Tough break, kid.

Donald wrote it best;

Mickey’s in the basement
Mixing up the medicine
I’m on the pavement
Staring at the pediment
The man in the costume
Badge out, pissed off
Says with a scoff he wants
To get you trespassed off